TORONTO, ONT – Local resident, Tom Anderson, who didn’t follow any lockdown rules, is about to get vaccinated before you. Awesome!
“This pandemic has been very hard,” began Anderson, who just last week had friends over to watch the season finale of Drag Race. Meanwhile, you haven’t touched another human in over a year. “I’ve never had to make sacrifices like this before – like only have four friends over instead of eight” something which is not at all the actual rule, “and I’m so done with being slightly inconvenienced by this all! I can’t wait to be vaccinated next week so that I can be freed from all these suffocating restrictions.”
When asked how he was able to get a vaccine appointment, Anderson explained that he just randomly went on to the site and got one. “I almost forgot because…I totally wasn’t at a closed crossfit studio lol. I just had to say I was a 40+ frontline worker with a previous medical condition and voila, I got the jab! So simple!”
According to his Instagram, Anderson is the only one in the world exhausted by the pandemic. “Listen, if I had to be in another Zoom meeting for one more minute, I was going to explode!” replied Anderson to a comment on a recent post of his, featuring him and his friends up at his family cottage. “It was just so important for my mental health to bring loved ones up to the cottage where we could take our masks off, let our hair down, and breathe easy knowing that we deserved a break. Plus, it was my birthday and I don’t think people understand how difficult it is to have a pandemic birthday.”
“Besides, my parents were more than happy to host us!”
When asked why he was not only ignoring lockdown restrictions but also why he was posting his gatherings on social media, Anderson replied “so that when people try to shame me for having a “superspreader” event, I can reclaim the narrative and ask them why they’re so obsessed with me?! Also, if I can get featured on @gaysovercovid my follower count will jump 5-10k easy.”
At press time, Anderson has reportedly shared his post-vax selfie to insta right next to his photo of the couple he had a threesome with, captioned “don’t @ me – I was vaccinated this morning so everyone is safe!”