TORONTO – The Ontario government is racing to fix a huge oversight with COVID-19 vaccines after realizing they also need to actually administer them to people.
“I just don’t know how someone, probably me, could have overlooked this,” said Doug Ford. “My driver said that they actually have to be put in people to be effective? Where were all the scientists in my administration I ignored who were supposed to keep me informed?”
Some Ford staffers said they thought the vaccine boxes were meant to be piled up on each other to block out the virus like an umbrella blocking the sun. Others thought the mere existence of vaccines in refrigerators near their vicinity would keep COVID away like “silver to werewolves, garlic to vampires etc.”
An emergency meeting was called for all Ford administration staff to have a 7th grade teacher update their level of education. “We really tried to stay away from giving money to any kind of teacher,” said Ontario minister of education Stephen Lecce. “But it turns out, it was actually really fun and informative to have her speak! I was super, duper scared when she volunteered me to get a needle, but afterwards I got a lollipop and thought to myself you know what, maybe these book-reading types ain’t half bad!”
The government was also shocked to learn that each person had to receive the vaccine twice to be fully immune. “That means we only need half the number of vaccines we thought and can double the number of people vaccinated,” explained Ford. “Because each vaccine is doubelty the first number…so… wait that can’t be right.”
One of Ford’s co-workers who went to check on the boxes of vaccines also discovered there was some sort of expiration date on them. “Also, do these need to be kept at a certain temperature,” asked one of Doug’s assistants who had stored the vaccines in his trunk.
Realizing he had no time to spare, Ford was last seen running down Toronto’s Yonge street stabbing needles into people’s arms.
The government has reported that the populace does not need to be alarmed however, as they are not yet aware of any correlation between catching COVID-19 and getting sick.
