SASKATOON, SK – Local woman Audrey Cortland has boldly dared to voice an opinion on Twitter, because apparently she has a fucking death wish.
“This past year has been incredibly difficult for everyone,” says Dr. Judd Waller, a psychiatrist who has never treated Ms. Cortland. “So when we see patients engage in reckless behaviours, like a woman publicly sharing her opinion on social media, it is absolutely a cause for concern.”
Indeed, Ms. Cortland seemingly threw caution to the wind when she took to Twitter yesterday morning. “The results are in – Red Delicious really is the best apple,” she tweeted from her account with thirty-seven followers, twenty-nine of whom she knows personally. Friends rushed to Ms. Cortland’s digital aid, sending virtual hug gifs and asking her to let them know if she needed anything.
One particularly concerned friend even alerted Dr. Waller, who ordered a wellness check to ensure Ms. Cortland was not a danger to herself. “A daredevil tweet like that is all the proof I need that a woman is staring into the abyss,” Dr. Waller explains. “This was an obvious cry for help.”
Though the daring tweet initially only elicited concern for Ms. Cortland’s safety, the post was unfortunately picked up by Radical Apple Twitter, where it ignited an utter shitstorm of bitter arguments, tart responses, and threats of cyanide poisoning. Ms. Cortland was swiftly dubbed “Apple Bitch”, and received thousands of hateful and threatening messages including, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the feminazi tree”, “die bitch”, and “bet she also liked the 2016 Ghostbusters.”
Soon, entire threads dedicated to Ms. Cortland’s demise sprung up on the Internet’s rotten core, Reddit, which later rebranded itself as Greenit in protest of her controversial fruit opinions. Ms. Cortland attempted to escape the flow of vitriol by closing her Twitter account, but harassers soon found her via Facebook, LinkedIn, and a Geocities fan site for Tom Felton that she doesn’t remember making.
Though she was initially surprised at the extent of the hatred she received for having the audacity to share her perspective on apples, Ms. Cortland has since found a renewed purpose in her polarizing status. “Nothing gets me going in the morning like 30-50 feral men in my replies telling me how much I deserve to be stoned to death with fruit,” she says.
At press time, Ms. Cortland had been forced into hiding after tweeting that she thought The Last Jedi “was okay.”
