After weeks of rumours that outgoing President Trump would break with tradition and not leave a letter for his successor Joe Biden, it has just been confirmed that he did in fact write a letter. And we have obtained a copy! Here it is in full:
Congrats on stealing the election you fuck. Just kidding! I know you won. I’ve just been telling everyone you stole it so they’ll keep donating to me. That was a better scam than Trump University!
I guess I’m supposed to give you advice or something, although you’re dementia riddled brain probably couldn’t handle the top level shit I do daily. But whatever, I’ll give it a shot.
Okay first off you know those Secret Service guys outside your office? The big burly ones almost as strong as me? Turns out they’re not like the guards outside Buckingham Palace – they do move and talk. And if you try to take a selfie pretending to lick their face, they will tell you to stop.
Also FYI the Wifi in the residence sucks, so you can’t have more than 7 pornhub browsers open at once. Or are you more of a XHamster guy?
The White House is huge and I got lost a bunch. I recommend you leave a trail of Coke Cans behind you as you walk so you can find your way back. Skittles or Viagra work too.
In terms of the job it’s pretty easy. Just sign what they tell you to sign (unless it’s an Order defunding my wall in which case don’t you sign it you pussy!) I liked to have my morning security briefing in bed right before my breakfast cheeseburger. I tried to take economic meetings on the toilet like LBJ but no one could hear me over the sound of my clenched, constipated pushes so I had to go into the office. Then it’s the afternoon when tv gets good so the day is basically done. Fox News is channel 135 on the tv BTW.
I think that’s about it. Good luck. See you on the campaign trail in 3 years!
P.S. You know the closet under the stairs behind the Lincoln bedroom? Whatever you do, do not look in there.