OTTAWA – Health Canada is warning all Canadians to avoid COVID by staying at home, with the exception of those whose jobs create wealth for those with exponentially more money than them, in which case they should continue reporting to work.
“As of September, Canada’s top billionaires were $37 billion richer since the start of the pandemic, but by New Years we can definitely get that number higher,” explained Dr. Phillip Markson, of Health Canada’s Wealth Management Division. “While we are urging all Canadians to avoid closed, crowded spaces with poor ventilation, that advice obviously doesn’t count if you work for one of these billionaires.”
“Or frankly, if you work for anyone who owns more than two houses, or a really nice boat,” added Markson.
While many Canadians are being urged to work from home if at all possible, Health Canada has assured service industry workers that it’s “probably totally fine” for them to keep reporting to their jobs of creating value for shareholders.
“But if you ever see one of those shareholders accidentally wander into your place of work, please advise them to get home immediately for their own safety,” clarified Dr. Markson.
Health Canada also assured entry-level employees who must continue working in stores that a vaccine is on the way. “We promise this vaccine will immediately be administered to your bosses. Well, really your bosses’ boss, but you get the point.”
In response, business leaders are applauding recent lockdown measures that apply to everyone except their low wage workers. “Having our store employees continue showing up to work has been invaluable,” explained Loblaws Director of Operations Jared Courson. “For example this summer when we cut employees’ extra pandemic pay, it allowed us to refocus on Loblaws’ core mission – finding a less legally-exposed way to fix bread prices nationwide.”
Beyond just showing up for work every day, minimum wage workers are advised to avoid contracting COVID (and costly sick days) by limiting any on-the-job breathing to your 15 minute breaks. Also, low-wage employees are discouraged from going to food banks which may pose a significant risk of contracting coronavirus and again missing work.
Should low wage employees contract COVID while reporting to their jobs, all levels of government are assuring them that their bosses will not get in trouble, as “politicians will definitely blame you for going out and partying too much.”
While mid-to-high income Canadians limit shopping trips to essentials, minimum wage workers are advised not to limit themselves to generating wealth solely for the billionaires that they work for. “Cut out the middleman,” explained Dr. Markson, “by just withdrawing all your savings and personally dropping it off at the home of David Thomson, owner of Thomson Reuters which increased profits by $8.8 billion between March and September.”
“But make sure you wear a mask, because Canada’s billionaires don’t need your expelled particles. Just your money.”