OTTAWA – The Canadian Border Services Agency has announced that the Canada-U.S. border will remain closed until January 21st, “a date with no specific significance whatsoever.”
“We would like to remind travellers that non-essential travel restrictions between the U.S. and Canada have been extended to January 21, which is a totally random day on the calendar,” CBSA officials announced. “On the 21st, we will be extremely excited to celebrate the opening – the inauguration, if you will – of all Canada-US border crossings.”
On their website, the CBSA says this border closing includes travel for vacations, day trips, and any “presidential” purposes. As an added precaution, Prime Minister Trudeau will continue his recent policy of responding to any and all phone calls from the United States by letting them go to voicemail and turning off all the lights in the house to make it seem like he’s not at home.
“Again, we at Border Services have absolutely no idea if anything interesting is happening in the United States on the 21st, maybe in Washington DC perhaps, like perhaps something really cool that will allow everyone in Canada to finally fucking unclench after the past four agonizingly long years,” the officials continued.
“I dunno, I’m just gabbing. Anyways, only 37 more days to go! Not that we’ve been counting!”
CBSA officials said they were also “unable to comment” on any plans for the border post-January 21st. Some rumoured plans have included: parades, celebratory fireworks, and hanging a giant banner that says “Thank Christ Most Of You Finally Came To Your Senses!”
At press time, officials from the United States Government stated they had no idea the US-Canada border had ever been closed at all.