LOW EARTH ORBIT – A week after celebrating 30 years of documenting the cosmic majesty of the universe, the Hubble Space Telescope is struggling with feelings of ennui and contemplating if all there is is really all there is.
“You can only observe the entirety of the universe for so long before it starts to get old,” the telescope mused between taking pictures of astonishing stellar phenomena. “Every day I solve another galactic mystery by peering into the hidden heart of reality itself, and I’m like, yeah, what else is new?”
“I can’t help but feel jealous of the Voyager probes. They’re really going places. I’m just going in circles. Literally, I’m in orbit.”
Life coach Gloria Remple says existential crises like the Hubble Telescope is experiencing are common when unbelievable feats of engineering reach a certain age. After working with depressed neutrino observatories, morose particle accelerators, and a particularly troubled undersea research habitat, Remple says it’s important for an unhappy scientific instrument like Hubble to try to experience more joy by focusing on the little things, like moons.
“It’s too bad Hubble wouldn’t be helped by my usually advice to 30-year-olds when they feel like their existence is bereft of meaning: take up photography.”
“I just wish I had the same enthusiasm for the work that I used to have,” Hubble said. “Remember when I figured out that the universe is expanding? I miss the thrill of discovery. Now not even the thought of finding alien life makes me feel anything other than exasperation, like, great, another thing I gotta observe.”
At press time, the Hubble Space Telescope was wondering if it’s too late to go to law school.
