OTTAWA – The government of Canada is officially ordering all Canadians to do their part to stop the spread of the deadly novel coronavirus by ceasing any and all worship of the divine entity/entities responsible for the existence of the virus.
“We know that many Canadians derive comfort from attending traditional religious services, but in addition to that not being conducive to proper physical distancing, medical experts agree increased praying will only serve to boost the strength of the God/gods who have unleashed this plague upon us,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said in a press conference.
“The best thing you can do during this pandemic is stay home. And believe in nothing.”
While humanity’s conventional approach during pandemics has been to step up devotion in an attempt to appease capricious gods, modern epidemiologists point to the high mortality rates that historical plagues caused in deeply religious societies as strong evidence that increasing worship during an infectious disease outbreak only serves to inspire more torment from celestial beings.
“The worst thing we could do right now is offer greater exaltation to the divinities who are trying to kill us,” said Dr. Josie Herbert, the head of the Canadian Institute for Viral Research. “I’m not saying that this pandemic, and indeed all human suffering, would immediately end if we found a way to finally murder our gods… but it couldn’t hurt.”
In addition to avoiding organized forms of worship, the government and medical authorities are also warning the population to not to cast spells or make wishes right now, as the current thinking in epidemiological circles is that the coronavirus first began to spread because a college student’s wish upon a falling star for a longer spring break backfired horrifically.
