TORONTO – In a surprising new development in Ontario’s controversial sex-ed curriculum rollback, the Progressive Conservative government announced a province-wide focus on Peanut Butter on Dick sexual education.
“It is a great way to teach young people about sexual health and safety” explained Minister of Education Lisa Thompson. “The PC party has a core principle: allow the peaceful enjoyment of the fruits of one’s labor. Which is why every student in Ontario will have the chance to cover their schlong in salty-sweet peanut butter and let the family dog go to town!”
“All this Liberal nonsense about consent, gender identity, and cyber bullying in sex-ed is out. Bye bye, pinko perverts!” exclaimed Premier Doug Ford in the middle of an unrelated legislative session. “The good old Peanut Butter on Dick approach was how I learned everything I ever needed to know about sex, and it’ll work just fine for kids today too.”
“In close consultation with Mr. Peanut and the Planters corporation we’ve determined that putting peanut butter on your penis is the best way to educate children about the complexities of human sexuality” asserted Thomson while winking provocatively and miming intercourse with her fingers and thumb. “You don’t even need a dick to appreciate the universal lesson of Peanut Butter on Dick. Just slather it on your dirty bits and let the shame mingle with the pleasure, baby.”
At press time it is being reported that Saskatchewan is considering their own Fuck a Pie sex-ed curriculum, though no official statement has been made.
