WATERLOO, ON – Deep in the trenches of Wilfrid Laurier University’s exam period, Jake Ripper, known sociopath, had the audacity to ask around for notes after missing every single class in the semester.
Ripper remains a dangerous enigma to most of his classmates in his ECON 489: International Macroeconomics as he has never shown himself in class, yet harasses a litany of students daily for their notes in exchange for notes he also claims to have.
The young menace delivered the same generic scripted plea to everyone on the class email directory. His ransom email read: “Hey! Do you want to trade some ECON notes before the final exam? I think I forgot to transfer my notes from my old laptop. But I totally have stuff from later in the semester if you missed any class! Either way let me know!!!”
“Listen, we’re in fourth year now and in this tiny seminar course I’ve been forced to engage in enough inauthentic conversations with my peers three times a week that I should be able to recognize him by now,” said frazzled student Liz Stride. “My mom raised me not to just hand out my barely legible handwritten notes to any old creep.”
Another student in the class, Annie Chapman was visibly shaken up by Rippers’ messages. “He said if he failed, it would be because of me and my ‘scummy bourgeois capitalist ideals.’”
On the day of the exam, Ripper made his first appearance to the surprise of both faculty and students. The mad man insisted on telling anyone who would listen that he was going to ace the test while maintaining unblinking eye-contact. In an astonishing twist, Ripper finished an impressive 45 minutes early.
Upon exiting their exam, many students reported seeing Ripper in an adjacent parking lot tossing small fireworks at pigeons.