BRAMPTON, ON – Seeking to emulate the rough-and-tumble action featured on the critically acclaimed HBO series Deadwood, local man Louis Fresno is now in incredible pain after escalating a minor altercation to the point of a severe beating.
“Oh God, there’s blood in my mouth,” said Fresno, who always imagined he’d be known as ‘Lucky Lou’ if he had lived in Deadwood, South Dakota in the 1870’s. “Somebody call a doctor, please.”
The incident occurred after an unnamed man cut ahead of Fresno in line at a local coffee shop. Knowing that his hero Al Swearengen would never stand for such treatment, Fresno immediately took the opportunity to call the man a ‘cocksucker’ and start throwing punches.
“It was really shocking to see someone acting that aggressive,” said Grace Polakki, the on duty manager at the time. “I guess someone might call it bold, or attractive in a dangerous kind of way? But probably neither of things, because it’s 2018.”
“Also, hasn’t Deadwood been off the air for ten years?”
Witnesses report that after throwing his first punch Fresno had an expression of complete elation, which abruptly changed to one of profound regret after taking a knee to the abdomen. Fresno’s assailant proceeded knock him to the ground and savagely pummel him, while Fresno began to whimpering, ‘oh no, I’m a Farnum.’
“I never thought it would hurt this much,” sobbed Fresno, who had always just assumed you could walk off a broken rib with a shot of whiskey and a piss-and-vinegar kind of attitude. “This is almost as bad as the opium withdrawal.”
At press time, Fresno had begun to wonder if maybe setting himself on fire to hatch his egg-shaped rocks was also a bad idea.
