CANADA — A limited time offer of 10GB of data for $60 per month by Canada’s main wireless providers have left Canadians reeling in ecstasy as they encounter cell plans that would be pretty standard anywhere else in the world.
“It’s incredible, this plan, I have no words,” gasped longtime Rogers wireless customer Tyrone Johnson, 42, of Kingston. As he repeatedly re-read the details of his new $60 plan, which would actually be considered on the pricey side in Europe or Japan, Johnson blinked back tears of pure joy.
“So beautiful… should have sent a poet,” whispered Johnson, staring at his somewhat-reasonably-priced Rogers invoice.
Customers of Rogers, Telus, and Bell all across Canada have reacted with shock, elation, and in some cases heart palpitations at the sight of wireless pricing familiar to the rest of the industrialized world. Stampedes of wireless customers have been reported in Toronto, Calgary, and Vancouver – some made up of customers vying to sign up for the limited-time plans, and others of customers who are simply unable to process this level of joy.
“The Canadian consumer’s brain is sadly unequipped to process this level of ‘not being gouged’,” said Meredith Lindsay, professor emeritus of neuroscience at Simon Fraser University. “When faced with a pretty decent deal on cell service, much like you’d buy in almost any other country, it simply overloads their orbitofrontal cortex. This may lead wireless customers to experience blackouts, spontaneous erogenous pleasure, or involuntary pooping.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been on hold for two hours with Bell and I’m almost through,” Professor Lindsay concluded before biting down on a nearby belt.
As news spread of “60 for 10” joy riots breaking out nation-wide, representatives for the three major telecoms assured Canadians they are taking precautions.
“Over the years our telecom oligopoly has gradually acclimatized Canadians to extremely overpriced data,” explained Trevor Gudge, a spokesperson for Bell, Rogers, and Telus. “By temporarily offering our customers a non-shitty data package, we effectively allowed them to stare directly at the sun. It is a mistake we sincerely regret.”
“For the good of our customers’ fragile hearts, we promise to never offer a deal anywhere close to this good, ever again,” Gudge asserted.
CEOs from other sectors, such as Canadian banks and airlines have responded by doubling over in laughter to the point of tears. “Why would they do this?” Said CEO Calin Rovinescu of Air Canada as he attempted to catch his breath. “Whoever did that is going to be so fired.”
At press time, the 10GB for $60 deal is still available WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR CALL RIGHT NOW WHILE THERE’S STILL TIME!!!
