TORONTO — In the lead-up to his annual Ford Fest rally, Doug Ford is already announcing plans to make 2018 “absolutely frigging brutal” by once again running for mayor.
“Doug’s back, losers!” shouted the former mayoral loser to an already-weary group of reporters. “And thanks to Toronto’s bafflingly-long mayoral election cycle, you won’t be able to read a paper or turn on the TV in 2018 without seeing this shit-eating grin!”
The one-term city councillor and former hash dealer outlined his goals of completely fucking ruining the entire next year. These plans include mouthing off on live news broadcasts, showing up uninvited at civic events, and continually pulling facts out of his ass to demonize parts of the city he doesn’t like.
“And if you thought the scandals last time were exhausting, wait’ll you see some of the horseshit we’re cooking up for 2018,” Ford boasted. “I’m gonna mention my ‘Jewish wife’ constantly, pick more fights with halfway homes, plus we got Joe Warmington just chomping at the bit. It’s gonna be appalling!”
Ford also vowed to make 2018 in Toronto especially insufferable by relentlessly bringing up his deceased brother, former mayor Rob Ford. “Oh buddy, if you thought I was running on my brother’s legacy back when he was alive, you ain’t seen nothing yet!”
“And don’t forget, Toronto – Rob was the likeable one!”
News of Doug Ford’s intentions to be a pure bummer for the entirety of 2018 was met with a variety of groans and resigned sighs from citizens of Toronto. “Aw bloody hell,” said Scarborough resident Sharon Grayson, her shoulders slumping. “I guess as a city we deserve this, though I can’t imagine what sin we could have possibly committed.”
“Uggghhhh…” responded Toronto mayor John Tory upon hearing the news and realizing that he would be forced to endure dozens of live debates in 2018 with Doug Ford. “Just… uggghhhh…”
Ford vowed that his plan to make 2018 just fucking the worst would roll out unimpeded, unless he thinks he’s going to lose or gets bored and decides to drop out.
