EDMONTON – As the NDP prepares to meet for its annual party convention, a new challenger has emerged to current party leader bearded Tom Mulcair: a Tom Mulcair without a scraggly, rapidly greying beard.
“Our defeat in the 2015 election was as devastating as it was preventable,” said clean-shaven Mulcair at a press conference in front of dozens of equally facially hairless supporters. “Yes the Liberals outflanked us on the left with a surprisingly progressive agenda, and yes the Tories used the Niqab issue to destroy us in Quebec. But I think we can all agree that our current leader’s beard was the real problem.”
“I mean, how can you kiss babies on the campaign trail when you’re scratchy beard is making them cry?” Added the fresh-faced would-be leader.
Beardless Tom Mulcair has long been seen as a potential NDP leader, given his francophone heritage, union support and fully visible facial features. However, few expected such an outright challenge to bearded Mulcair on the eve of the convention.
“For beardless Mulcair to make this kind of move now, he must have some insider information that the party is fed up with the current leadership,” said political strategist Cynthia Locke. “Maybe he heard people were tired of finding beard hairs in their soup at party events.”
The new challenger declined to specify what specific changes he would make if elected, opting instead to just keep pointing to his chin, which was nowhere near as weak as the nation had assumed.
Questioned about this new setback to his quest to remain as party leader, bearded Tom Mulcair paused, stroked his beard and punched a hole through the wall behind him.
