TORONTO – Former Toronto police chief Bill Blair has won the Liberal Party nomination in the riding of Scarborough Southwest after kettling the nomination meeting.
Saying that it was the most humane way of defusing any opposition, Blair arrived with a number supporters in riot gear who proceeded to cordon off the high school gymnasium where the nomination vote was being decided.
“I’ve never had to urinate so badly in my entire life,” said Liberal supporter Callum Macpherson. “We were there for almost twelve hours, and they weren’t letting anyone out.”
Liberal Party members say they were not allowed access to bathrooms, food, or water for the half day they were sealed in, and were forced to listen to endorsements from prominent Liberals and party officials before hearing a speech from Blair himself where he extolled his experience leading Toronto’s police force.
“Basically, it was a like a normal nomination meeting,” said volunteer Cindy Davies. “Only with way more people collapsing from dehydration and pooping on the floor. Also, nobody’s been able to figure out why his volunteers kept cornering all the visible minorities and pestering them with questions.”
Others criticised his tactics for pulling in innocent bystanders who weren’t involved with the nomination meeting.
“I was here for a rehearsal, and have to go through the gym to get to the exit,” said drama student Erica Smith. “But they told me they wouldn’t be able to let me through ‘until things calmed down.’ I go to school here and have never had anything to do with the Liberals. Why am I being detained?”
When reached for comment, Justin Trudeau applauded Blair’s nomination, though he wasn’t sure which one was Blair, since all the officers in the room had removed their name tags.
