QUEEN’S PARK – In a bid to provide economic relief to struggling Ontarians, Premier Doug Ford has ordered the LCBO to return to providing customers free paper bags – a move that…
Tag: LCBO
“Nothing can harm me now,” states Tim Hortons employee behind flimsy plastic sheet
Scarborough, ON – Local Tim Hortons employee Jim Matthews feels invincible after his management has installed a thin plastic sheet in front of his register. “I’ve never felt so powerful,” s…
Thorough catcaller tells all mask-wearing women to smile
TORONTO – As more and more women don face masks in an attempt to protect themselves and others from the novel coronavirus, catcallers across the city are finding themselves growing increasingly f…
“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” chants self-isolating woman three times into mirror to summon wine delivery
TORONTO – As lockdown-induced boredom sets in across Canada, many people are turning to alcohol to liven up their socially-isolated lives. When faced with long LCBO lines and expensive delivery f…
Distraught 20-something holds up LCBO until cashier asks to see their ID
HAMILTON – Patrons and employees of a Hamilton LCBO underwent a harrowing ordeal last night after a 20-something adult held up the cashier at knifepoint. According to eyewitnesses, the altercatio…
Report: Every day that Ted Cruz does not like a porn tweet now feels boring by comparison
Luke and the Panel (Andrew Ivimey, Cathryn Naiker and Sebastian Fazio) break down why the Ted Cruz porn story is the greatest news story of the year so far (2:00), debunk the ‘unnamed staff…
Emergency officials: Is your home 72 hours booze prepared?
TORONTO – Emergency management officials are advising citizens to plan for booze-related disasters by having at least 72 hours worth of alcoholic beverages. “Being aware of the risks of not…
Liberals plan legislation to make marijuana shittier, harder to get
OTTAWA – Leaked briefings have revealed Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will unveil legislation that would enable make obtaining and consuming marijuana “even more of a pain in the ass” befor…
Ultra-hip new restaurant revealed to be just stalled escalator
TORONTO—An “amazing” new restaurant which has been delighting patrons since its surprise opening two weeks ago has been revealed to be merely a stalled escalator in the middle of a downtown comme…