OTTAWA – Sean Rice, dressed in his usual July 1st garb of Canada flag boxers, Canada flag face-paint and a full Canadian flag worn as a cape, has had to take special precautions to prevent …
Tag: Canada Day
Country fails to see the symbolism in taking down pride flags on Canada Day
OTTAWA – The first day of July, also known as Canada Day, is a holiday Canadians spend going to the beach, setting off fireworks, and taking down pride flags nationwide. The federal government ma…
Read the ‘Canada Day Freedom Convoy’s’ new list of demands
The Freedom Convoy is back everyone! After making Ottawa the most exciting place to have racial slurs screamed at you back in February, they are planning to return to protest on Canada Day. But s…
“So I can’t wish people a ‘Happy Canada Day’ anymore?” asks man who has literally never done that
Bradford, ON – Local man Gerry Framer is outraged that the collective reckoning over whether Canada is a country that deserves to be celebrated in light of the atrocities we have committed …
Report: you can still get drunk and enjoy day off without it being in honour of Canada
OTTAWA – A new report has found that, despite what the media and your uncle claim, it is still possible to get drunk and enjoy July 1st without it being in honour of the country responsible…
Editorial: If we cancel Canada Day, how will I remember where I live?
By: Erin O’Toole Listen up, Canadians: I know that some of you, especially the radical left, want Canada Day cancelled because of the recent discoveries of thousands of Indigenous children in unm…
Optimistic woman only burns June pages of 2020 planner
TORONTO – As provincial governments are taking slow and measured steps towards loosening social distancing regulations, 26 year-old Montana Tremeshko destroyed only the June pages of her 20…
Aging Canada tells everyone it’s turning 150 again
OTTAWA – Leading up to its July 1st birthday, Canada has been telling people that it is turning 150 for a second year in a row out of fear that it will be thought of as “that gross old coun…
Local man reconnects with cottage owning friend every year about this time
TORONTO – Local resident Michael Soplinka, 28, has once again used the month of June to get in touch with his ‘lifelong’ friend Eric Gaston, whose family happens to own a cottage on Georgia…
How will you celebrate Canada’s 151st Birthday
Every week Beaverton editor-in-chief Luke Gordon Field assembles some of the country’s best comedians and writers to talk, mock and riff their way through the news of the week. Then he puts…