Machismo exhibited by not holding pole in subway car
TORONTO – Local commuter Jeff Saunders impressed passengers on a subway car when he abstained from holding the pole as the train came to a halt, sources reported last week. As the subway de…
Guy that lives in suburbs tells everyone he lives downtown
PICKERING, ON – Suburban citizen Jake Laysley tells everyone he meets that he lives downtown, despite the 1.5-hour driving commute it takes him to arrive in Toronto from his house in Picker…
Vancouver Canucks mascot returned to wild
VANCOUVER – Buckling under mounting pressure from animal rights activists, the Vancouver Canucks released their mascot, Fin the Whale, back into the wild earlier this week. Fin, a lovable k…
Clothed teen defies nudist parents
PONDEROSA, ON – Nudist colony parents of 15-year-old Francis Nickelby are struggling to cope with their teenage son’s rebellious behaviour, which involves wearing clothes. “It started about a yea…
Half of Statscan jobs at risk
Conservative budget cuts are putting nearly half of the 5,000 Statistics Canada employees at risk of losing their jobs. What’s your say? “Here’s hoping they get rid of all three…
Dejected Rob Ford builds model subway line linking basement rec room to basement storage room
TORONTO – Despite pleas from all his sane family members not to go through with it, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has invested thousands of household dollars to build a model subway line linking h…
Closing of local Tim Hortons finally convinces residents their town is horrible
CORNWALL, ON – Tim Hortons closed its only Cornwall branch earlier this week, causing locals to suddenly realize how terrible their hometown is. “I don’t think we can recover from thi…
Parents can’t decide who favourite kid is
WINNIPEG, MA – After discussing the matter at length, Becky and Ricky Calder are still unable to decide which of their two kids is their favourite. “Jenny’s got a lot going for her in the l…
Mitt Romney divorces wife to marry corporation
MANCHESTER, N.H. – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced he is divorcing his wife of 40 years to marry a corporation with whom he has had a love affair over the last seven…
