NRA branching out to appeal to more casual psychos
FAIRFAX, VA – The National Rifle Association announced today that it will make bold leaps with its marketing efforts in order to branch out and appeal to more casual psychopaths. “While the NRA h…
Packed Starbucks forces man to pretend to write screenplay at Arby’s
VANCOUVER – Finding his favourite Starbucks without a spare outlet or even a chair, aspiring screenwriter Victor Lynchburg was forced to act as if he is creating a screenplay at a nearby Ar…
Scientists successfully clone, ride wooly mammoth
WAKO, TOKYO, JAPAN – Scientists from Japan’s RIKEN Institute in greater Tokyo have successfully cloned a wooly mammoth for the purpose of being able to ride it. The still-growing fema…
Local man finishes whole baguette before it gets stale
NAPANEE, ON – Hospital administrator Justin Trawick accomplished a feat few, if any, thought possible last Saturday when he managed to eat an entire loaf of baguette before the forces of ca…
Martial arts film buff unimpressed by muggers’ fight choreography
TORONTO – Gary Michaels, head of the Toronto Kung-Fu Fan Club, was shocked by the disordered and poorly choreographed mugging he experienced last Thursday night. “Well first of all, t…
Shocked at daycare shooting, Canadians wonder which US state Gatineau is in
OTTAWA – Disturbed Canadians took to the internet to voice their thoughts about the breaking story involving gun violence at a daycare in Gatineau today, but were confused about where Gatineau wa…
Rest of world hasn’t got time for North Korea’s BS
WORLD – In response to the North Korean Worker’s Party recent “final authorization” for a nuclear strike against US targets, the roughly 6.975-billion people living outsid…
3 innings into opening night, city of Toronto remembers how boring baseball is
TORONTO – After a frenzied offseason that featured huge trades, marquee free agent signings, and an excitement in the Blue Jays not seen since their back to back World Series championships,…
