David Suzuki goes on weeklong pollution bender
CAPE ST MARY, NL – Canadian environmentalist David Suzuki, known for his activism on global climate change, was discovered earlier this week passed out near a private jet in Cape St. Mary&#…
Javier Bardem to play villain in Javier Bardem biopic
HOLLYWOOD – Best known for playing disquieting villains in films like Skyfall and No Country For Old Men, Spanish heartthrob Javier Bardem returns to the dark side this summer as the villai…
Lance Armstrong apologizes to cancer for tarnishing image
AUSTIN, TX – Disgraced cycling icon Lance Armstrong apologized today to cancer, the broad group of diseases involving unregulated cell growth that affects tens of millions of people around …
Under Nonis, Leafs to phase out hockey, shift focus to long-range telecommunications
TORONTO – Since taking the Maple Leafs GM position just a few days ago, Dave Nonis has implemented sweeping changes to improve the struggling organization, most notably cutting waste, re-en…
Climate change possible cause for trapping killer whales in sea ice
Marine scientists blame climate change on confusing and trapping a pod of Orcas in the Hudson Bay’s sea ice. What’s your say? “Those poor whales. But at least they didn’t get stuck in Marin…
Chris Spence offers suspiciously familiar apology
TORONTO – In press conference this morning, Chris Spence, the former head of the TDSB, took the opportunity to offer some borrowed words of remorse. “My mother always said that life is like…
Unusually quiet, slumped over Hugo Chavez sworn in as Venezuelan President
CARACAS – Despite concerns about his deteriorating health, Hugo Chavez was sworn in as Venezuela’s President in a short ceremony in which he did not speak or move around all that much. Chavez, wh…
First Nations audit of Federal Government reveals billions in mismanaged funds
OTTAWA – The Canadian Government has been mismanaging funds for over 140 years according to a damaging audit commissioned by the First Nations released this morning. The audit, conducted by…
Stephen Harper finally caves to pressure from animal spirit guide
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper finally agreed to meet with an assembly of Aboriginal leaders on January 11th, after bowing to pressure from his animal spirit guide, Odjiig. “It is a…
TSN anchor cries tears of joy while reporting end of NHL lockout
TORONTO – Mid-way through announcing the end of professional hockey’s 113 day lockout, TSN Sportscentre anchor Darren ‘Dutchy’ Dutchyshen broke down in tears, declaring it “the end of [his]…
