Local pulp mill improves matzah recipe
DRYDEN – After hearing numerous complaints, a pulp mill in Dryden, Ontario has decided to amend its method of manufacturing matzah bread on the eve of the Passover holiday. The Dryden Mill, which…
News editor brilliantly simplifies complex scandal for nation by adding ‘gate’
TORONTO – CBC’s News Now production meeting was running long until chief editor brilliantly suggested adding the word ‘gate’ to the main noun of the major story to simplify the whole complex scan…
Leafs add much needed size, scoring to front office
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs finally landed the big, scoring executive they’ve so desperately needed on Friday, when the team named Hall of Famer Brendan Shanahan as its new President. The m…
Workplace accidents fall to zero after factory institutes strict ‘walk-it-off’ policy
HAMILTON, ON – Metallic refinery ConCan Steel has made it through an entire year with a flawless safety record after implementing a revolutionary “walk-it-off” policy, where employees compl…
Stephen Colbert named new guy who older married couples fall asleep to
NEW YORK – CBS has announced that Stephen Colbert will take over for David Letterman as their flagship guy who puts married upper middle class Americans to sleep every night. “I look forwar…
NRA concerned about rise in knife-related violence in schools
WASHINGTON – The National Rifle Association is raising the alarm about knife-related violence in the American school system after a recent knife attack at a Pennsylvania high school. “We ar…
Road accidents spike following release of Jumanji: Travel Edition
NORTH AMERICA – The continent’s highways erupted in chaos today when thousands of elephants, rhinos, and giant spiders suddenly appeared in events related to the new popular travel ve…
Study finds that people in glass houses shouldn’t do a lot of things
VANCOUVER – A new study from the University of British Columbia has found that throwing stones is one of the “last things” that people in glass houses should worry about doing. “Our researc…
Unprepared surgeon just going to ‘wing it’
VANCOUVER – In lieu of doing proper preparation for a complicated surgery scheduled this afternoon, neurosurgeon Dr. James Rutherford, a recent graduate from UBC’s Faculty of Medicine, has …
