Man with sweaty back mourns arrival of summer
GUELPH, ON – The onset of warm weather has left local man Jake Blume completely unable to go out in public without sweating through his clothes. “Great, now I get to spend four months of my…
Canadian man unsure if he loves Canada more than he hates the Ottawa Senators
VANCOUVER – Having seen his own team eliminated in the first round, Canucks fan Andre Deschampes must decide whether having a Canadian team in the finals is worth the pain and embarrassmen…
Rob Ford fired by high school, forced to fall back on mayoral gig
TORONTO – After being let go from his dream job coaching the Don Bosco Eagles, local man Robert Ford has been forced to rely on his secondary source of income as mayor of the City of Toront…
Community to clean up city hall by giving money to crack dealer
TORONTO – In an unprecedented use of the crowdfunding site Indiegogo the city of Toronto has come together to obtain the video evidence necessary to undo the humiliation caused by the democ…
Ontario narrowly averts sobriety crisis
TORONTO – A last minute deal between the Ontario Public Service Employees Union (OPSEU) and the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO) averting a strike that would have prevented Ontarians …
Canadian TV execs can’t wait to cancel this year’s original programming
TORONTO – Canadian TV executives are very excited to once again greenlight, produce, and cancel this year’s original programming, inside sources report. “Crushing the dreams of Canadian art…
Chief Blair: Agent Ford successfully infiltrates drug ring
TORONTO – Calling to an end an elaborate three-year undercover operation, Toronto police chief Bill Blair announced today that special agent Rob Ford has uncovered a major drug ring in the city&#…
Mike Duffy returns to political broadcasting with scandalous story about Senator Duffy
OTTAWA – Embattled Senator Mike Duffy has made a return to his former career after resigning from the Conservative caucus to report a scandalous story about himself. “As a journalist, I had to br…
Canadian actor achieves realistic life goal by booking Tim Hortons commercial
TORONTO – 33-year-old Canadian actor David Allister reached his realistic life goal earlier this week when he was booked for a spot on a Tim Hortons commercial. The 30-second ad features Al…
Hadfield comes home to $1.37 million Rogers phone bill
KAZAKHSTAN – After five months in space, Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield was shocked to discover his cell phone provider has charged him well over a million dollars for data usage and roaming c…
