Nintendo president runs out of lives but sets new high score
KYOTO – After a thrilling eighty five levels that saw him collect 2.1 billion gold coins, former Nintendo president Hiroshi Yamauchi has run out of lives and been sent back to the main menu…
Most popular thing currently streaming on Canadian Netflix is disappointment
OTTAWA – A new CRTC research poll confirmed today that, for the 15th straight month, the pure feeling of disappointment was the most popular item streamed by Canadian Netflix users. “According to…
Study: 90% of yuppies think seasons change when Starbucks starts serving pumpkin-spiced lattes
NEW YORK – The fall equinox is on September 22 but according to a new study, most yuppies believe the autumn begins when they first consume a pumpkin-spiced latte. “People notice the change…
New Montreal Metro stations to be named after prominent, secular saints
MONTREAL – After announcing the extension of the Montreal Metro’s Blue Line, the PQ provincial government and Société de transport de Montréal announced that new stations will be named afte…
Latest self pat-down confirms presence of wallet, cancer
THORNHILL WOODS, ON – Shortly before leaving the subway train, local businessman Jerry Levin’s paranoid pocket exploration established the existence of his wallet, cellphone, house keys and a mal…
Russell Brand image on toast just Jesus again
PRINCE GEORGE – Thousands of faithful were disappointed to find out that the first sighting of Russell Brand on a piece of toast was Jesus, as usual. Jenna Anderson, 42, was preparing the t…
NHL14 video game has Toronto Maple Leaf ‘collapse’ cheat code
TORONTO – The famous Toronto Maple Leaf collapse during last year’s playoffs has now been immortalized with a cheat code in EA Sport’s NHL 14. “I was frustrated,” said Frank Gannon, 3…
Keystone boasts pipeline will create 5700 unpaid internships for Canadian students
CALGARY – Canadian energy giant TransCanada has announced that the Keystone XL pipeline will be built by interns in order to offer Canadian students the experiences they need to enter the excitin…
PROROGATION UPDATE: John Baird finds some rocks and trees to scream at
OTTAWA – (DAY FOUR) With the House of Commons empty until October 16th, Minister of Foreign Affairs John Baird has been forced to retreat into the wilderness in order to find things to yell…
Report: Everyone on subway has B.O.
TORONTO – Sources inside the 9:55 a.m. university line southbound subway have confirmed that everyone on the car does in fact, smell like shit. “Oh god,” said legal secretary Mary Cook, as …
