‘Cash for gold’ commercials attract first customer
TORONTO – Local jewellery buyer Russell Oliver announced today that the TV advertisements for his gold-buying business, which have been running nonstop for the past decade, have successfull…
Venezuela harbours Snowden, asks if US knows it’s loco
CARACAS – The Venezuelan government welcomed the arrival and asylum of NSA-leaker Edward Snowden today, releasing a statement querying whether Americans are or are not aware that Venezuela …
England celebrates Murray victory by pretending he isn’t Scottish
ENGLAND – After almost eighty years without a victory at Wimbledon, England has spent the last two days celebrating Andy Murray’s win by refusing to refer to him as anything other than “Bri…
New study finds sunscreen makes you look stupid
VICTORIA – According to a groundbreaking new study from the University of Victoria, applying sunscreen drastically increases your chances of looking stupid. Researchers analyzed data from o…
New Catholic cereal contains 50% of your daily recommended moral fibre
THE HOLY SEE – The Catholic Church has released a new breakfast cereal, Eucharisps, that contains 50% of your daily moral fibre. The church claims the crispy wafer-chip cereal is blessed, infalli…
Disney defends Depp’s role as Native American: ‘We were unable to find a dark-skinned Italian’
LOS ANGELES – After the first night of Disney’s The Lone Ranger premiere, the mass media corporation that produced the western classic remake responded to concerns regarding their casting choice …
Man mistakes birth control pills for mints
EDMONTON – Attempting to seduce his girlfriend after a garlic-heavy dinner, local man Spencer Jones helped himself to some of the lozenges that he found beside her bed- a decision sources s…
90% of RCMP attempt to retire on high note immediately after BC terror arrests
VANCOUVER – In the aftermath of the successful arrest of two would-be terrorist bombers on Canada Day, the vast majority of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Force consider their careers having p…
