Optimist goes blind after staring at the bright side for too long
CORNER BROOK, NF – A local man is unable to perceive reality after focusing for too long on the bright side. 36 year-old Brad Smallwood reportedly lost his faculties last Thursday after dreaming …
Jenny Craig introduces new ‘All Self-Loathing Diet’
WOODBRIDGE, ON – In an innovative move, Jenny Craig executives announced a new branch of their program this week: a diet based entirely off of self-loathing. “It’s really quite simple,” exp…
I write horror stories because the real horror is society
By Derek Darklord Greetings, fellow-travellers down the night-highway of the macabre. I, of course, am Derek Darklord, and You, of course, will recognize my name from the covers of your favourite…
Feet numb with pride in Winnipeg as city is named World Slurpee Capital
WINNIPEG – 7-11 has crowned Winnipeg as the Slurpee Capital of the World for the 14th time in a row, making citizens’ feet and hands tingle with joy. “This is a big day for our city” mayor Sam Ka…
Nation’s Uncles demand to know who farted
CANADA – Detecting a “funky smell coming from under the table”, the nation’s uncles unanimously resolved to determine which of their thirty three million nieces and nephews “let that one ri…
Bartender with nosebleed just gutting it out until shift over
KAMLOOPS, BC – Although his nosebleed is barely contained by a rolled up piece of napkin, sources report that local bartender Eric Rawley is just going to dig real deep and ‘gut it out’ unt…
Woman wears flip flops just so she can catch people staring at her weird toe
HAMILTON – Although many people wear sandals in the summer, local woman Nancy Garland chooses to do so not out of comfort, but so that she can make others feel bad about staring at her defo…
Report: Censorship in Canada at an all time ████ despite ██████████
██████████ Ontario – A report by the ████████████████████ has revealed that the ██████████government has repeatedly ███████ information regardless of ████████████████████ “████████████████████ …
Federal NDP Caucus now of legal drinking age in Ontario
July is a big month for Ottawa barkeepers as it marks the first time the entire NDP caucus will legally drink in Ontario. The 2011 federal election, which swept progressive teenagers out of their…
Kate Middleton gives birth to beautiful, healthy news story
LONDON – The Duchess of Cambridge gave birth today to a beautiful 8 lb international news sensation after a lengthy labour. Middleton gave birth to the story, which will be broadcast around…
