Nation’s Uncles demand to know who farted
CANADA – Detecting a “funky smell coming from under the table”, the nation’s uncles unanimously resolved to determine which of their thirty three million nieces and nephews “let that one ri…
Bartender with nosebleed just gutting it out until shift over
KAMLOOPS, BC – Although his nosebleed is barely contained by a rolled up piece of napkin, sources report that local bartender Eric Rawley is just going to dig real deep and ‘gut it out’ unt…
Woman wears flip flops just so she can catch people staring at her weird toe
HAMILTON – Although many people wear sandals in the summer, local woman Nancy Garland chooses to do so not out of comfort, but so that she can make others feel bad about staring at her defo…
Report: Censorship in Canada at an all time ████ despite ██████████
██████████ Ontario – A report by the ████████████████████ has revealed that the ██████████government has repeatedly ███████ information regardless of ████████████████████ “████████████████████ …
Federal NDP Caucus now of legal drinking age in Ontario
July is a big month for Ottawa barkeepers as it marks the first time the entire NDP caucus will legally drink in Ontario. The 2011 federal election, which swept progressive teenagers out of their…
Kate Middleton gives birth to beautiful, healthy news story
LONDON – The Duchess of Cambridge gave birth today to a beautiful 8 lb international news sensation after a lengthy labour. Middleton gave birth to the story, which will be broadcast around…
Local bachelor probably going to get curtains, eventually
TORONTO – Local bachelor Robbie Labeouf announced earlier this week his intention to probably purchase curtains, eventually, for his apartment of three years. “It just seems like a thing I …
Local friend busier than everyone else
TORONTO – Despite wanting to attend the engagement party of best friend Sophie Lahiri, local woman Tiffany Dale is busier than anyone else she knows and is completely unable to make the tim…
Persistent heat wave leads to construction of first ever trans-Canada Slip n’ Slide
OTTAWA – The Canadian government has responded to dangerously high temperatures with the building of a massive $3 billion Slip n’ Slide that will stretch across the nation. “It …
Parliament approves first safe objection site for MPs disagreeing with party lines
OTTAWA – A controversial new facility has opened its doors for MPs to openly reject partisan discipline and express themselves freely without fear of repercussions. Party-Site will be a safe zone…
