Rob Ford: ‘In drunken stupor, I once tried being mayor’
TORONTO – At a scrum in front of his office, Toronto mayor Rob Ford admitted that a year ago, in one of his drunken stupors, he may have tried municipal politics. Ford’s erratic behaviour, …
Report: Neither man willing to admit high-five was too hard
KAMLOOPS, BC – In celebration of a small pay raise two men engaged in a high-five that neither of them are willing to admit was extremely painful and possibly permanently damaging. “H…
Study: 100% of restaurants know you’re ordering the second cheapest wine on a first date
NEW YORK – It’s your first date, you’ve dressed up, thought of nonchalantly witty things to say, and, according to a new report from the Center for Mating and Hospitality, you’re about to o…
BREAKING – Police recover video of Vancouver Mayor smoking what appears to be salmon
VANCOUVER – Following months of speculation, Vancouver Police Chief Jim Chu held a press conference today where he confirmed the existence of a cell phone video taken months ago, on which V…
University of Toronto: The Beaverton University Reviews
Name: University of Toronto Nickname: Ol’ Monolithic Motto: “Hocne nos facit dignando?” (“Does this make us look prestigious?”) History: The UofT was founded in 1827 by study-drug enthusiast Bish…
Blind-internet-frustration not covered by Obamacare
WASHINGTON – President Obama announced that people going blind with frustration over healthcare.gov politely crashing will not be able to get this condition covered once the website lets them sig…
Rob Ford denies the existence of Chief Blair
TORONTO – After being questioned about the previously elusive crack video now in possession by Police Chief Bill Blair, Mayor Rob Ford vehemently denied the existence of the “alleged” head of the…
Black man glad local frat is dressing up as him again this Halloween
CLEVELAND – When he learned that members of a local fraternity would be dressing up as the black man who lives next door, Andrew Thompson, the black man who lives next to Pi Gamma Gamma, wa…
Meth dealer this year’s most popular costume for under 13s
New Glasgow, NS — All hallow’s eve is looking to be bathed in a sea of yellow hazmat suits and bowler hats as the most sought after costume for children 13-and-under is a meth dealer.…
Everyone you hate is excited about the Entourage movie
CANADA – A brief look over your social media platforms has confirmed that everyone you find personally repellent is looking forward to the movie spinoff of the TV show Entourage. “Bro, Siii…
