Local father reaches enlightenment while screaming at new computer
HAMILTON, ON – After refusing to read the manual for his new Dell laptop, local senior James Hoffmann achieved a state of nirvana while screaming profanities at the electronic device. “At f…
Study: Half of the bands at Osheaga haven’t even heard of themselves
MONTREAL – Psychologists at McGill University revealed this week that half of the bands coming to this year’s Osheaga Festival are so indie they haven’t even heard of themselves. The festiv…
Ottawa reminds nation that ‘veterans’ are not mentioned in ‘Support our Troops’
OTTAWA – After federal government lawyers argued that the government has no social obligation to veterans, the Minister of Veteran Affairs clarified that the term “veteran” was not contained in t…
Volunteer generously spends average income of a Nicaraguan on trip to help poor Nicaraguans
MANAGUA – After saving up her pay-checks and fundraising, do-gooder Julie Stuart-Labelle has spent the average yearly salary of a Nicaraguan for a three week trip to help the poor of that c…
Toronto police admit the ninth bullet was a bit unnecessary
TORONTO – In response to the fatal shooting of 18 year-old Sammy Yatim on a streetcar this past weekend, Toronto Police Services admitted today that the ninth round fired was a tad unnecess…
Alberta fisherman lands 300 pound ball of tar
LAKE ATHABASCA, AB – After hours of fruitless waiting, Alberta fisherman Darren Rose’s patience was rewarded by the “once-in-a-lifetime” catch of a compacted mass of bitumen sand and fish s…
King Joffrey vows vengeance on Royal Baby
KING’S LANDING – Ravens flooded the capital city of Westeros with word that the wife of Prince William of Windsor, Katherine of Middleton, has been delivered of a baby boy named George, who…
Concordia University to replace photography courses with Instagram
Beginning in the Fall 2013 semester, students in Concordia’s photography program will only be taught to use the Instagram app on their phones The image-filtering service, which is best-known for …
STM managers get big pay raise reward for 30-minutes of uninterrupted service
MONTREAL – Service on Montreal’s public transit network was entirely on schedule for half an hour on July 20th, earning the STM’s executives a 5% increase on their 2012 salaries. “With the …
Optimist goes blind after staring at the bright side for too long
CORNER BROOK, NF – A local man is unable to perceive reality after focusing for too long on the bright side. 36 year-old Brad Smallwood reportedly lost his faculties last Thursday after dreaming …
