Marois becomes first Quebecer to lose their job over PQ’s Charter of Values

MONTREAL – Former premier Pauline Marois has become Quebec’s first public-sector employee to lose their job over the Parti Quebecois’ proposed Charter of Values, following the Liberal party’s blo…

McDonald’s introduces the McMigrant worker

VICTORIA – Fast food chain McDonald’s unveiled its new line of workers called the McMigrant on Monday. “Canadians are familiar with our minimum wage labour jobs that are usually occupied by…

PQ: Students weren’t trying to steal election, we just ran out of code words for Jews

MONTREAL – Parti Quebecois leader Pauline Marois conceded yesterday that her party really only accused students of trying to steal Monday’s provincial election because they’d run out of new euphe…

Cell phones keep getting oilier and oilier but nation doesn’t know what to do about it

CANADA – Despite the fact that their cell phones have become obviously unhygienic, the nation is too paralyzed by ignorance to take steps to clean them. “I don’t have greasy skin or hair, s…

Local man pretty sure fiancée’s middle name either Helen or Maureen

BURLINGTON, ON – Local man Stephen Saroyan was put on the spot last week when trying to order wedding invitations while unsure of his fiancée’s middle name. “I think she mentioned it once o…

G8 meetings a ‘lot less fun’ without Putin

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM – Following the suspension of Russian President Vladimir Putin from the Group of Eight, meetings between the world leaders have become “stiff”, “overly business-like”, and…

Poll: Majority of Quebeckers think Françoise David will make best premier they will not elect

MONTREAL – Just a few days before the election, a new poll in Quebec shows that Quebec Solidaire’s Françoise David is Quebeckers’ favourite candidate for premier they will not elec Ac…

Celebrity visit to disaster zone helps replenish dwindling supply of celebrities

MANILA – In an act of entertainment humanitarianism, a famous celebrity visited a disaster zone to restock a dangerously low supply of renowned entertainers. “These people have nothing to a…

Report: Kale is the secret to health, longevity, smugness

MONTREAL – According to a report from the Centre for Trendy Greens, consuming Kale twice a week makes you stronger, smarter, and more smug than your peers. “It’s really a miracle food, capa…

13 things you didn’t know were in the Conservative government’s omnibus bill

The federal Conservative government is set to pass a 359 page omnibus bill with a wide-range of new laws. Here are some highlights on what you might have missed: 1. 145 pages of “all work and no …