Andrei Markov excited to miss most of Canadiens’ season with this year’s injury
BROSSARD, QC – With preseason hockey in full swing Montreal Canadiens defenseman Andrei Markov is excited to find out what injury will sideline him for the majority of the season this year…
Blackberry makes first sale in six months
WATERLOO, ON – After a six month “dry spell” Blackberry president Thorstein Heins announced today that the company had finally closed a sale. “It was looking pretty grim there for awhile. N…
NDP attack ad on Trudeau: He acts like he’s all hot but he’s not even that hot
Earlier this week, NDP leader Thomas Mulcair confirmed that his party would run negative campaign ads against Liberal leader Justin Trudeau, targeting him for his track record of “not being that …
Nintendo president runs out of lives but sets new high score
KYOTO – After a thrilling eighty five levels that saw him collect 2.1 billion gold coins, former Nintendo president Hiroshi Yamauchi has run out of lives and been sent back to the main menu…
Most popular thing currently streaming on Canadian Netflix is disappointment
OTTAWA – A new CRTC research poll confirmed today that, for the 15th straight month, the pure feeling of disappointment was the most popular item streamed by Canadian Netflix users. “According to…
Study: 90% of yuppies think seasons change when Starbucks starts serving pumpkin-spiced lattes
NEW YORK – The fall equinox is on September 22 but according to a new study, most yuppies believe the autumn begins when they first consume a pumpkin-spiced latte. “People notice the change…
New Montreal Metro stations to be named after prominent, secular saints
MONTREAL – After announcing the extension of the Montreal Metro’s Blue Line, the PQ provincial government and Société de transport de Montréal announced that new stations will be named afte…
Latest self pat-down confirms presence of wallet, cancer
THORNHILL WOODS, ON – Shortly before leaving the subway train, local businessman Jerry Levin’s paranoid pocket exploration established the existence of his wallet, cellphone, house keys and a mal…
Russell Brand image on toast just Jesus again
PRINCE GEORGE – Thousands of faithful were disappointed to find out that the first sighting of Russell Brand on a piece of toast was Jesus, as usual. Jenna Anderson, 42, was preparing the t…
NHL14 video game has Toronto Maple Leaf ‘collapse’ cheat code
TORONTO – The famous Toronto Maple Leaf collapse during last year’s playoffs has now been immortalized with a cheat code in EA Sport’s NHL 14. “I was frustrated,” said Frank Gannon, 3…
