Serial buzzkiller continues to elude capture
HAMILTON, ON – The Ontario Provincial Police are still searching for a man wanted in connection with several gruesome buzzkillings in the Hamilton area. Recently identified as Burlington re…
PR worker confident latest tweet won’t get her fired
FREDERICTON, N.B. – PR worker and aspiring social media phenom Deirdre Waynes is certain that her latest tweet from the account of McMillan Holdings and Sales Ltd. will not unleash a massiv…
PEI Health opens inaugural ‘Anne of Green Gables’ abortion clinic
CHARLOTTETOWN – Honouring PEI’s most cherished fictional character, the province has named its first abortion clinic after Anne of Green Gables. Unbeknownst to many Canadians, the author of…
Rob Ford: ‘Rehab is amazing – my favourite part is Space Mountain’
TORONTO – Speaking from an undisclosed location, embattled mayor Rob Ford told the Toronto Sun’s Joe Warmington that “rehab is amazing” and that he “went on Pirates of the Caribbean like th…
123 Sesame Street torn down to make way for condos
SESAME STREET – Referring to the iconic location as an “eyesore”, Vancouver-based developers have announced plans to tear down 123 Sesame Street and replace it with a pair of 40-storey luxu…
Northern Economic Development Agency creating jobs in remote region of downtown Ottawa
OTTAWA – The Canadian Northern Economic Development Agency revealed today new job numbers indicating that the Agency has been responsible for rapid job growth in the isolated region of down…
Local man loses struggle with pickle jar
ABBOTSFORD, BC – After a minutes-long battle with the lid of a pickle jar, local husband and father Ron Sanchez finally succumbed this past Thursday, at home, surrounded by friends and love…
Results from Toronto Marathon definitive proof nice guys finish 1,376th
TORONTO – In total, 2,194 runners competed in the GoodLife Fitness Toronto Marathon over the weekend, many of whom were total assholes. But 32 year old local man, and all-around okay guy, D…
Conservatives unveil new ‘just fuck shit up before 2015’ plan
OTTAWA – After a year plagued by scandal and unpopular legislation, representatives of the Harper government have announced that the administration’s new strategy is to just try and pass as…
NBA refs advance to second round after defeating Raptors
TORONTO – The Toronto Raptors were eliminated from the playoffs after a hard-fought loss to their arch-rivals, the NBA referees. “It was a really tough game. Very physical, and a lot of cal…
