TORONTO – Speaking from an undisclosed location, embattled mayor Rob Ford told the Toronto Sun’s Joe Warmington that “rehab is amazing” and that he “went on Pirates of the Caribbean like three times”.
Less than a week since leaving Toronto and vowing to enter treatment for his “alcohol addiction”, the normally secretive Ford granted an impromptu interview to opinion columnist/fedora enthusiast Warmington. The exclusive interview appeared on the front page of yesterday’s Toronto Sun, followed by a second interview today where Ford talked about how he’s not allowed to do interviews.
Ford refused to disclose the treatment facility where he was enrolled, or even which country he was currently in, though he did detail the numerous amenities and “bitching rides” available. Ford revealed that he had been taking advantage of the rehab centre’s gym, gardens, “and this wicked Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular thing, where I totally got to be in the show”.
Though Ford’s tone was generally upbeat for a man entering rehab for alcohol and crack cocaine addiction, he took moments for sombre reflection. “They got this one kind of rehab therapy where you sit in a boat on this stream, and all these robot kids from around the world – y’know, little dagos and orientals – they sing about how it’s a small world after all. Really makes you think about what’s important.”
Ford then added, “I wish I hadn’t eaten all that cotton candy first, though. Barf city!”
Reached for comment, Warmington defended his journalistic methods. “The secret to great interviewing is to avoid any questions that your subject might not want to answer, like ‘are you in a real rehab facility’ or ‘why do I hear the Main Street Electrical Parade in the background?’” Warmington then returned to his job of sitting by the phone, waiting for Rob Ford to call him again.
According to sources, Ford abruptly concluded the interview, stating that “happy hour’s about to start”.