TTC suggests passengers just ‘buy a fucking car already’
TORONTO – Overwhelming customer complaints regarding long delays and crumbling infrastructure have prompted the TTC to suggest to its unhappy customer base “to grow up” and “buy a fucking c…
Israeli Prime Minister Stephen Harper returns after long visit in Canada
TEL AVIV – After nine long years travelling in Canada to promote his country, Israel’s prime minister Stephen Harper is finally back in his homeland. “From what I have learned, Canada is a …
Pont Champlain to remain terrible until 2025
MONTRÉAL – The City of Montreal has confirmed reports that the reconstruction of the Champlain Bridge will cause horrendous problems until 2025. “I know that we said that it would be finish…
34-year-old father barely has time to operate Twitter parody account
KITCHENER – Citing a hectic work schedule and a seemingly endless list of obligations to his wife and children, local husband and father Jason Forrey recently lamented that there were simply not …
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are we lying about when trying to woo complete strangers for a date? 1. Won a Nobel Peace Prize 2. Legitimate child of Nelson Mandela 3. Only has one cat 4. Capable of asking someone out fac…
New study finds that studies are very important
OTTAWA – A new study by the recently defunded Carleton University research institute has concluded that studies are very useful and should be commissioned much more often. “Our resear…
Missing banana found in hammock
SASKATOON – After a frantic 29-hour search and rescue, a lost banana has been found safe and sound tucked inside a hammock. “You never think it will be you,” said local handyman…
Beloved New Jersey governor revealed as politician
Trenton, NJ – Supporters of New Jersey’s long-admired governor Chris Christie were disappointed after the media revealed that he was – in fact – a politician last week. Christie…
Jermain Defoe announces retirement from competitive football, signs for TFC
TORONTO – Jermain Defoe called time on his glittering fifteen-year career as a trophyless competitive footballer on Monday, simultaneously announcing his retirement and signing with Toronto…
