Kellie Leitch jumps in polls after eating live dove during leadership debate

OTTAWA – Kellie Leitch has emerged as a favourite in the Conservative leadership race after a strong showing at the Manning debate wherein she devoured an entire live dove to the raucous ap…

Winnipeg’s ERs now requiring patients to bring their own beds

WINNIPEG – Those seeking treatment at Winnipeg’s ERs will now be required to bring their own hospital beds as a part of a new strategy to reduce wait times. Officials from the Winnipeg Regi…

PARENTING FAIL: Prince George is NOT getting enough blood to grow up a conqueror

Just because they seem like the perfect couple, doesn’t mean Prince William and Kate Middleton are perfect parents. Case in point? 3-year-old Prince George drinks barely a gallon of blood every w…

Entire New York Times Editorial Board cross Canadian border, claim refugee status

HEMMINGFORD, QC – RCMP patrolling the Quebec-New York border have intercepted all 16 members of the New York Times Editorial Board who immediately claimed refugee status. The weary journali…

O’Leary slams Edmonton debate as “terribly bilingual”

BOSTON – Conservative leadership hopeful Kevin O’Leary announced this week that he would not participate in the party’s upcoming candidates’ debate in Edmonton, denouncing the event as “terribly …

Kellie Leitch proves commitment to shitty Canadian production values

OTTAWA – Conservative leadership hopeful Kellie Leitch has released a campaign video demonstrating that she has her finger on the pulse of traditional Canadian culture and it’s terrib…

Kyle Lowry wakes from surgery to find Drake asleep in hospital room chair

TORONTO – Recovering from surgery to clean out loose bodies from his right wrist, Raptors point guard Kyle Lowry woke up to find hip hop superstar Drake asleep in the hospital room chair, w…

Pope remains champion at annual Shrove Tuesday pancake eating contest

VATICAN CITY – Consuming a record 87 pancakes in under 20 minutes, Pope Francis has retained his championship title for the fourth year in a row at the annual Shrove Tuesday pancake eating …

Local man accidentally misses Oscars after not giving a shit

HALIFAX – This morning, local man, Robert Murray was shocked to discover he had mistakenly neglected to watch Hollywood’s biggest event last night because, fuck it. “Oh, I guess I did”, remarked …

Lonely Thomas Mulcair adopts 44 stray cats

OTTAWA – NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair has adopted yet another stray cat, bringing the total number of felines in his one-bedroom apartment in Ottawa to 44. Mulcair made the announcement on soc…