Boston Pizza announces some new $37 dollar “Cheesegetti with Hamburger” garbage
RICHMOND, BC – A press release from Boston Pizza has announced an exciting new menu item of overpriced cheese and beef that technically qualifies as food. “Boston Pizza is proud to be the restau…
Leafs finally discover key to success: not being in same division as Boston
TORONTO – Having started the 2021 NHL season with a record of 6-2 the ever disappointing Toronto Maple Leafs believe they have finally found what works for them: no longer having to play th…
Fear of failure completely justified
LONDON, ON – A recent study from Western University has determined that your fear of failure is completely justified. The study – lead by esteemed Sociology Professor John Daniels and…
Ford confident dead Ontarians would’ve been much happier seeing COVID funding used to balance his budget
QUEEN’S PARK – With Ontario sitting on $6.4 billion in unallocated pandemic-relief funds, more than any other province, Premier Doug Ford assured Ontarians that using those funds to balance…
COVID restrictions forces billionaires to play non-human version of chess
MONTENEGRO – With pandemic restrictions putting strict limits on the size of gatherings, many plutocrats around the world are finding they must now play chess with the original pieces, as o…
Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes
WHITEHORSE – The territorial government of Yukon has announced people in Whitehorse, and the Beaver Creek area may have been exposed to 2 cases of asshole. The confirmed cases, who used the…
Local man’s hand lotion unable to be placed anywhere without implying that’s where he jerks it
KAMLOOPS, BC – After Ian McKean purchased a 600 ml bottle of cocoa butter lotion, he has been unable to find a location in his apartment to put it that doesn’t suggest that’s where he furio…
New Harry Potter TV show will only go ahead if J.K. Rowling can personally inspect the genitals of everyone involved
LOS ANGELES – A new live-action Harry Potter television show is reportedly in very early development at HBO Max, and while no producers, directors, writers or actors have yet been attached,…
Trudeau: If Liberals vetted people before giving them powerful jobs, I’d never have become Prime Minister
OTTAWA – Under fire for not properly vetting Julie Payette before selecting her as Canada’s Governor General, Justin Trudeau pointed out today that too much vetting can actually be a …
“You’re not like other girls,” says man exactly like all other men
LONDON, ON — A local man indistinguishable from any other man wants the woman he just met to know that she’s “not like other girls.” Adam Adamson, 29, discovered the “girl” in question last…
