"The outdoors is lava!" cry desperate public health officials - The Beaverton

“The outdoors is lava!” cry desperate public health officials

OTTAWA – As new cases of  COVID-19 continue to skyrocket across the country, Canada’s top public health officials have banded together in desperation to declare that the outdoors is, in fact, lava.

“We thought that social distancing and avoiding non-essential activities was pretty straightforward, but it looks like we were wrong. Oopsy-daisy!” said chief public health officer Dr. Theresa Tam, speaking slowly while squeaking a small rubber duck to hold the audience’s attention. “Let’s try this again. There are some really bad cooties out there and we don’t want you to get sickky-wickky. So from now on, just remember that the outdoors is lava.”

Dr. Tam continued, wiggling her fingers in the air. “Essential workers and Instacart shoppers now have a magic force field that protects them from the lava. Oooooooh! But no one else gets a magic force-field until the cooties are all gone, so make sure you stay inside your house-forts.”

Alberta’s chief medical officer, a visibly exhausted Dr. Deena Hinshaw, confirmed Dr. Tam’s words during a new COVID sing-along hour aimed at flattening Alberta’s rising curve. 

“Remember everyone, if we don’t wear our masks and limit our contact with other people, it means we don’t get to have any dessert,” she said, producing a felt hand puppet of a big-horned sheep. “And now it’s time to sing – A B C D E F G, your grandma might die if you don’t listen to me.”

Canada’s top health officials were unavailable for comment at press time, as they were workshopping Canada’s new proposed vaccine slogan, ‘circle circle, dot dot, now you’ve got your Pfizer shot’.