Suspended Evander Kane says he’d have to throw at least 10 games to make up for lost wages
SAN JOSE – After being caught for forging his proof of COVID-19 vaccination, San Jose Sharks left winger Evander Kane says he would have to intentionally lose nearly a dozen games to make u…
Referendum asks Albertans if they want to stop equalization payments, whether they’d like to be able to fly
CALGARY – Albertans are headed to the polls today to make an important determination of whether they want to change the Canadian constitution to get rid of equalization payments, and if the…
Over 4 million Albertans diagnosed with long-haul Kenney
CALGARY – Doctors have diagnosed all of Alberta with the long term side-effects of Premier Jason Kenney which could last up to 18 months. Symptoms include crowded hospitals, absent leadersh…
New Brunswick orders government employees to hover 2 m above ground to avoid Indigenous land claims
FREDERICTON – In a leaked memo from New Brunswick’s minister of justice, all provincial employees have been ordered to levitate at least 2 meters above the ground to avoid complicating the …
Dad horrified by haunted house’s baseboard installation
GUELPH, ONT. – Family patriarch, Dominic Barker found himself gripped by otherworldly terror upon witnessing the inferior craftsmanship inside the ‘Hell House Experience’ at his local community f…
Canadian Army considers removing sexual misconduct as a prerequisite for leadership
KINGSTON – While controversy builds in the halls of the Canadian military as candidate after candidate for advancement comes under investigation, Army bosses are considering dropping the se…
As vaccines for kids ages 5-11 develop further, you might have to see your douchebag nephew Kyle as soon as this year
OTTAWA – Pfizer and BioNTech have released preliminary data to Health Canada stating that a vaccine for children ages 5 to 11 years could be available sooner than originally thought. Side e…
Leafs begin home opener with annual apology for last season
TORONTO – As the Maple Leafs take to the ice to begin their season, MLSE PR have announced a number of pre-game festivities, including the usual apology for the catastrophic failure that wa…
Shatner manages to have 3 torrid love affairs during 10 minute space flight
VAN HORN, TX – Despite being in space for a mere ten minutes, the man who played Captain Kirk in the 1960s version of Star Trek managed to seduce a sexy Klingon, a USS Enterprise psychologi…
Doug Ford announces all policies will now be based on 2008 Jim Carrey film ‘Yes Man’
TORONTO – After declaring himself the Premier who says Yes, Doug Ford has revealed that he made the decision after re-watching the moderate Jim Carrey hit ‘Yes Man.’ “Folk…
