“As we know, I invented Twitter” claims Elon Musk three months from now

SAN FRANCISCO — Tech billionaire Elon Musk launched a hostile takeover of Twitter today shortly after becoming the company’s single largest shareholder. While the social media platform’s future i…

Businesses experiencing ‘just average’ call volume for the first time since 2020

VICTORIA, BC – After claiming to be experiencing higher than average call volume for a suspiciously long period of time during COVID-19, businesses are now reporting daily customer calls have dro…

Marc Dalton & Scott Aitchison latest conservative leadership candidates we can’t tell apart

OTTAWA – Doppelgangers Marc Dalton and Scott Aitchison recently entered the already crowded Conservative party leadership race, prompting frantic Canadian reporters to wonder how they would…

COVID enters 6th wave despite clearly running out of ideas by Wave 3

OTTAWA — The Public Health Agency of Canada confirmed today that the country is now in the 6th wave of the COVID-19 pandemic signaled by the all too familiar pattern of climbing case numbers. Whi…

Gilbert Gottfried joins Bob Saget and Norm MacDonald for Comedy Central Roast of God

HEAVEN – With news breaking that Gilbert Gottfried has passed away, Heaven has announced the beloved comedian has joined his departed friends Bob Saget and Norm MacDonald in the Comedy Cent…

Review: Season two of Bridgerton needed more boinking

Burlington, ON – Season two of Bridgerton is out and the reviews are in: there’s not enough nudity and not nearly enough sex. Instead, all viewers got was a stupid story about sacrifice and love …

Sleeping cat literally has no idea how clue how close it is to nuclear annihilation

LUNENBURG, NS – Despite tensions increasing across the globe as Russian president Vladimir Putin again promised swift retaliation and total nuclear annihilation should NATO forces intervene…

Ford calls 50 cent minimum wage hike “a little reward” for workers who survived covid

QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced this week that the provincial minimum wage will be going up by $0.50 this fall, which he described as a “tasty little treat” for all those…

Work from home commute delayed by three dog pileup

CALGARY – Traffic reports from the Morley household indicate that a massive three dog pileup is delaying multiple household commutes. “There’s fur everywhere, and you can still hear barking,” one…

Ford apologizes for majority of COVID tests going to private schools, says they should have gone to real estate developers instead

TORONTO – Following a Toronto Star investigation revealing that more COVID tests went to private schools than daycares, paramedics, jails, and homeless shelters combined, Premier Doug Ford …