Grocery store that fixed price of bread denies fixing price of everything else

BRAMPTON, ON – In response to accusations of hiking food prices higher than the rate of inflation resulting in record profits, grocery giant Loblaws, which previously admitted to fixing the…

Shakespeare festival to spice things up by casting actors they used before, a lot

STRATFORD, ON – Canada’s biggest Shakespeare festival is hoping to excite and intrigue audiences with their groundbreaking plan to cast actors they’ve cast many, many times before. “Shakesp…

Toronto police spend $1m on flip flops for officers to patrol beaches

TORONTO, ON — Toronto Police Service are spending $1 million on flip flops as officers have patrol the beaches for this year’s Summer season. “It’s a matter of having our officers adequately equi…

Sick fuck prefers middle seat

TORONTO — An Air Canada flight to Orlando was grounded Thursday after it was revealed that a sick fuck on board actually requested to sit in the middle seat. “When I asked if he’d mind switching …

Leaders assure world they have climate change plan to save themselves and that’s all

WASHINGTON, DC – As summer temperatures soar around the globe due to climate change, the world’s leaders announced they do indeed have a comprehensive plan in place to save themselves…

Cat watching you scoop litter box with quiet authority of tiny feudal lord

TIMMINS, ON — Upon hearing the unmistakable sound of a scoop dig into a wet clump of litter, three-year-old Muffins Fitzwilliam has climbed atop his cat tree to look down upon you with the quiet,…

Pope takes over empty apology duties from exhausted Trudeau

OTTAWA – After numerous empty apologies to Indigenous Peoples backed by little to no substantive action or restitution, Pope Francis arrived in Canada this week to officially take over empt…

“Why are you still wearing a mask?” asks friend who’s had Covid 3 times

Oshawa, ON – Craig Batherson, your friend from intramural hockey who has gotten Covid nearly every time a new variant has developed, was surprised to see you wearing a mask. “You know…

Federal, provincial, and municipal leaders strike landmark deal to blame each other for housing prices

OTTAWA – Reaching across all 3 levels of Government, the leaders of Canada’s national, provincial, and big city governments have reached a historic deal allowing them to shift the blame for…

Only consolation for homeowners who lost thousands from housing market cooling is the millions they’ve already made

OTTAWA – An Ottawa family is packing up their belongings and moving to what they hope will be their “forever home,” but they’ll be bringing a slightly smaller pile of cash…