OAKVILLE, ON – Local man Aaron Montague failed to complete a half-marathon last week, despite preparing with an hour-long training montage. “I did everything right,” Montague insisted. “I t…
Sports
Leafs to fans: No, you suck!
TORONTO – Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke and a few of his players called a surprise press conference Thursday afternoon to lash back at fans that have been unsupportive of the club’s po…
Joey Votto: ‘Can I have $10 million now?’
CINCINNATI, OH – In a telephone conversation with his agent shortly after winning the National League MVP, Cincinnati Reds first baseman Joey Votto repeatedly asked if he was now going to e…
Vernon Wells struggles with entrance music
TORONTO – Toronto Blue Jays center fielder Vernon Wells is in a slump, but it has nothing to do with his bat or his glove. The 31-year-old told reporters that he is profoundly troubled by t…
Squash partner invokes dangerous ‘dick-out’ rule
WINNIPEG, MA – A game of squash between two University of Winnepeg professors turned extremely unsafe last Saturday morning after the ‘dick-out’ rule was invoked. Prof. Paul Stewarts, 39, f…
Messier a LEGO man
A startling discovery is sending shockwaves through the NHL after it was revealed that Mark Messier is a LEGO man. A statement released last Wednesday by the NHL accuses Danish toy giant LEGO of …
