PEMBROKE, ON – Loblaws stock clerk Jeremy Brenton was quite vocal this morning with both customers and passersby regarding his “huge plans” for the store’s Aisle Three. Brenton was overheard mumb…
Business
Snazzy business card fails to generate clients for asshole
CALGARY, AB – Despite purchasing a set of colourful, die-cut, embossed, holographic business cards, local real-estate agent and complete asshole Derick Fineley observed no noticeable increa…
Man quits family to spend more time with job
TORONTO, ON – The difficulty of balancing work life and family life led local businessman Ricky Canker to quit his family of three children and one wife last Tuesday, in order to devote mor…
Shamed ventriloquist reveals dummy actually his son
MONTREAL – The world of ventriloquy is in uproar following revelations that renowned ventriloquist Janzo Ballensteen has been using his son, 12-year-old Wally Ballensteen, a real human bein…
God can’t find publisher for latest book
HEAVEN – Over 3,000 years since the release of His worldwide bestseller The Bible, God, almighty creator of the universe, is finding it difficult to get His latest book published. “I’ve bee…
Nervous guest speaker at nudist colony picturing everybody with clothes
BOWMANVILLE, ON – Several minutes into his power-point presentation for skin-coloured vinyl in front of a group of naturists, nervous speaker Lloyd Brintnell, of Nature’s Office Supplies Co…
Canadian Tire dollar reaches parity with U.S. dollar
OTTAWA – As the U.S. greenback continues to tumble amidst growing uncertainty over the American debt crisis, the Canadian Tire dollar made incredibly strong gains this week, closing today a…
School bully suspended: cafeteria sees strong third quarter gains
BARRIE, ON – A middle school cafeteria in Barrie is experiencing significant gains on a number of its food products following the suspension of notable sixth grade bully Reese “Kit Kat” Kot…
CEO calls it a day after long morning at work
CALGARY – Feeling the need to call it a day after a long morning of work, Global Oil Corp. CEO Marvin Bradley told his secretary to cancel his afternoon appointments. The tired CEO, who’s j…
Google buys U.S. government
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Google Inc. has purchased U.S. Govt, a service which creates and passes laws. “We’re thrilled to welcome the U.S. Government to Google,” a Google spoke…
