WOODBRIDGE, ON – In an innovative move, Jenny Craig executives announced a new branch of their program this week: a diet based entirely off of self-loathing. “It’s really quite simple,” exp…
Business
Loblaw purchases Shoppers Drug Mart, forgets to use Optimum card
TORONTO – Loblaw Cos. proudly announced today the $12.4 billion acquisition of Shoppers Drug Mart Corp. in a move that has merged two of Canada’s biggest retailers but failed to provide any…
Four bankers killed after giant novelty cheque bounces
MISSISSAUGA, ON – After receiving a deposit from a charity golf tournament, four Bank of Montreal employees found out the endorser had insufficient funds the hard way. Two tellers, a mortgage con…
Job creators slam food critic for describing chocolate cake as ‘rich’
NEW YORK – Right-wing commentators have slammed New York Times food critic Shauna Campbell for a recent review in which she described a chocolate cake as ‘rich.’ Presidential Ca…
Keyword term “google” number one most searched item on Bing for 28th straight month
REDMOND, WA – Microsoft’s search engine Bing revealed its most searched items for the month of January, with the search phrase “google” coming in first a record 28th strai…
Harvey’s employee refuses to make burger Stephanie’s ‘stupid fucking’ way
BOWMANVILLE, ON – Long time Harvey’s employee Rick Mauran is facing an internal employment review, and possible disciplinary action, after he refused to make a burger to customer Stephanie Harris…
Unpaid intern quits for lucrative sweatshop position
SHENZHEN, CHINA – Amir Robinson, 24, quit his unpaid internship with a small Canadian television station last week for a much better paying position assembling wallets in an overseas sweats…
Mustachioed pediatrician doesn’t understand why business is slow
KAMLOOPS, BC – Longtime pediatrician Dr. Lester said he had “no idea” why parents had stopped bringing their kids to his children’s health centre, despite having recently …
