HAMILTON – As COVID-19 self-isolation has taken a huge psychological toll on much of the population, local introvert Sangeeta Varma is reportedly kind of okay to be honest. Thanks to social dista…
Visiting kids excited to give mom the gift of coronavirus
HAMILTON – Many adult kids blowing off social distancing for Mother’s Day are looking forward to repaying their mothers for 18 years of love and financial support with a potentially deadly diseas…
Netflix’s “Are You Still Watching” only social contact in days
CANADA – As coronavirus social distancing approaches its second full week, single-person households across the country report Netflix’s autoprompt reminding them that they are alone – so, s…
TTC to replace shuttle buses with being pushed off cliff in barrel full of eels
TORONTO – The Toronto Transit Commission announced plans today to replace their unpopular shuttle bus system with thousands of barrels stuffed with wriggling carnivorous fish. Officials promise t…
Trudeau confident in climate action plan of “being dead by then”
OTTAWA – Responding to increasing concerns over climate change, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has doubled-down on his strategy of already being deceased by the time the apocalypse fully kicks in.…
Trudeau, Ford bond over shared love of ethics violations
OTTAWA – At a meeting of the minds last week, Ontario’s Premier Doug Ford and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau found common ground in their shared love for disregarding ethical codes of conduct. The…
Toronto police address road safety crisis by teaching pedestrians to die more discreetly
TORONTO – Facing criticism for insufficient traffic enforcement and an increase in fatalities, the Toronto Police have unveiled a new workshop series for pedestrians, showing them how to die in a…
Trudeau announces new roster of future liabilities
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced his new and larger cabinet, consisting of at least four ministers who are predicted to betray him by the next election. Since the SNC-Lavalin …
Friend promises TV show is really good once you get past the first three seasons
KITCHENER, ON – Local friend Nadia Ramirez insists her favourite TV show gets really good after you suffer through the first three seasons, and also most of season 5. Ramirez has reportedly not s…
Worst American pardons fourth-worst Canadian
TORONTO – Canada’s fourth-worst person, Conrad Black, is celebrating alone after receiving a pardon from America’s worst individual, their president. “If being the worst is a crime,” Trump told r…