OTTAWA – The Bank of Canada was forced to submit into circulation a vertical $10 bill after a worker at the Canadian Bank Note Company failed to select ‘Landscape mode’ from the print…
Recently tenured prof glad he doesn’t have to close door when he shits anymore
TORONTO – University of Toronto psychology professor Jamie Pasternak is relieved he finally has tenure and can therefore keep the door wide open when he drops deuces from now on. “As a new …
Witch hunt? Mueller indicts Baba Yaga on conspiracy to eat US children
WASHINGTON – In a move that seems to support President Trump’s claim that the Russia investigation is a witch hunt, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has indicted hag and Russian national Baba…
Bar described as ‘hidden gem’ receives millionth Yelp review
MONTRÉAL – The restaurant Le Sanctuaire on boul St. Laurent, described on its web page as Montréal’s hidden gem, has received its millionth review on Yelp, sources report. “We’re a small, family-…
Exclusive: New Avengers movie to feature scene not shown in trailers
NEW YORK – Marvel Entertainment announced today that Avengers: Infinity War, the latest entry in its popular superhero franchise, will feature some content not shown in the trailers. “We ar…
Incredible! This dolphin learned our language to warn us about sharks
Will dolphins ever stop surprising us with their smarts? A dolphin has appeared just off the coast of BC with an impressive knowledge of the English language, which he used to desperately alert u…
Amazon to build second headquarters in Toronto after city accidently subscribes to Prime
TORONTO – Out of 238 contenders, Amazon, Inc. has finally chosen Toronto as the location of its second headquarters, after the city unwittingly subscribed to Amazon Prime. ““We are pleased Toront…
Dyson unveils first ever vacuumless bag
MALMESBURY, UK – In a remarkable feat of engineering, English technology company Dyson, Ltd. has produced a bag that works entirely without the need for a vacuum cleaner. “I was at home one…
Cool prof knows name of every student he wrecked on midterm
TORONTO – University of Toronto introductory calc professor Sean Segal is “so awesome,” his students report, that he took the time to learn the name of every student he demolished on the latest m…
Bat mitzvah ruined as girl’s face melts during ark-opening ceremony
THORNHILL – A Bat Mitzvah for twelve-year-old Thornhill girl Revi Spivak took a tragic turn when her face melted off her skull during the p’tikhah, the ceremonial opening of the ark that contains…