TORONTO – Following 35 years of unplanned pregnancies, drunk driving, stabbings, suicides, gonorrhea outbreaks, and one student dropping acid and then falling off a bridge and suffering per…
Report: Hozier late for church
NEWCASTLE, IRELAND – Despite numerous pleas for friends, family, and music fans worldwide to “take (him) to church”, 2015 Grammy nominee Hozier has reportedly missed the start of Sunday mass. “I …
Elizabeth May botches ’22 Minutes’ audition
OTTAWA – Speaking at the yearly Ottawa Press Gallery Dinner, Green Party leader Elizabeth May’s off-colour jokes about Omar Khadr were later revealed to be an unsuccessful audition for the …
Critics divided on final Mad Men season’s jump to 2061
LOS ANGELES – Premiering April 5th on AMC, the normally secretive hit television show Mad Men has angered some critics and fans with leaked news that its final seven episodes will be set in the y…
Tim Hortons ‘RaceTogether’ initiative leads to over 4000 fistfights on first day
CALGARY – Canadian coffee chain Tim Horton’s attempt to duplicate Starbucks’ “RaceTogether” policy, where servers engage customers in frank discussions of racial politics, has resulted in 4…
Detroit begins turning off sunlight for low-income residents
DETROIT – In response to non-payment of property taxes, the City of Detroit has undertaken a massive city-wide effort to block sunlight from the homes of its poorest residents. “They came a…
World Leaders march in Paris to defend their exclusive right to suppress journalists
PARIS – Dozens of World Leaders joined yesterday’s Charlie Hebdo solidarity march to send a message to terrorists that intimidation of media will not be tolerated, unless they are the ones doing …
The true meaning of the season
BY KRAMPUS, THE GERMANIC YULETIDE DEMON Guten Tag! With the holidays upon us once more it is time for I, the Krampus, to reflect on what is truly important. Oh, I’m certain things seem very simpl…
Ottawa man fighting for ISIS calls for lone wolf attacks, unless anyone wants to hang out
OTTAWA – The terrorist group ISIS has released a video of Canadian John Maguire calling on his fellow Muslim countrymen to carry out lone-wolf attacks, unless any of them want to grab a bit…
Child’s wish ‘it could be Christmas today’ granted; havoc ensues
ST. JOHN’S – The entire world was thrown into chaos this week, as 6 year old Tyler Smith’s request that “I wish Christmas was already here” as he fell asleep was inexplicably and cruelly granted,…
