QUEEN’S PARK – Reports indicate that dire circumstances throughout Doug Ford’s Ontario are actually due to it being a fantastical alternate reality, created by a Christmas angel in order to…
Local man who hasn’t started Christmas shopping betting it all on Omicron lockdown
GUELPH, ON – While reportedly aware that he has only 7 shopping days until Christmas, local man Thomas Yeates is reportedly confident that a full province-wide Omicron lockdown will rescue …
Nova Scotian mall insists giant tree will only eat “3 to 4 kids, max” this Christmas
DARTMOUTH, NS – With international media picking up the story of “the creepiest Christmas tree of 2021”, administrators at Mic Mac Mall have assured shoppers that Woody will consume no more…
Childhood home sold to lovely young numbered holding company
BRAMPTON – Local family the Feldmans have recently sold their beloved 2-story bungalow to a charming, newly-incorporated holding company. “Our family made a lot of memories in that home,” e…
Shoppers Drug Mart promises 500 Optimum Points for every case of COVID contracted in-store
TORONTO – With the Ontario Government unveiling a plan to conduct symptomatic COVID-19 tests inside Shoppers Drug Mart stores, the pharmacy giant has announced that every shopper who contra…
Funeral organist already sweating nervously in anticipation of Sondheim memorial
NEW YORK – Following the death of American musical theater legend Stephen Sondheim at age 91, the organist at the Midtown Synagogue is reportedly “sweating bullets” while attempting to prac…
BREAKING: World Health Organization announces Black Friday deals on new omicron variant
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – The World Health Organization has announced a last minute doorcrasher deal on the latest COVID variant, omicron, just in time for Black Friday shopping. “With the Chri…
Toronto in chaos as combination Condo/A&W/Weed Stores gain sentience, overrun city
TORONTO – The downtown area is in complete chaos as Torontonians flee for their lives after the city’s omnipresent condos, A&W franchises, and marijuana dispensaries somehow coalesced …
PMO casually inquires how many oil tankers could sail through flooded parts of BC
OTTAWA – With large parts of British Columbia still underwater due to climate change-related rainfall, the Prime Minister’s Office has offered condolences and also lowkey asked whether oil …
Dried dishes left as monument to time someone did the dishes
VICTORIA, BC – In an effort to inspire future generations, local roommates Cam Newton (25) and Rusa Ayad (26) have tacitly decided to leave a drying rack of dishes on the counter for an ind…
