Albertan separatists insist that leaving Canada won’t exclude them from keeping some residual benefits of being Canadian. Here is the list they propose:
1. passports
2. currency
3. smugness
4. those little flags we put on backpacks when we travel so people know we’re not American (2 per person)
5. the obligation to say thank you to every bus driver, even though we know they’re probably tired of saying ‘you’re welcome’ 500 times a day
6. their share of the revenues from international sales of Heated Rivalry
7. the right to tell people which celebrities are Canadian
8. being a little excited when the Royals visit, but also ashamed of being excited because they’re just people for fuck’s sakes
9. 20% of the strategic maple syrup reserve (this is a real thing we swear)
10. the ability to keep making fun of New Brunswick
11. control over pipelines, even though they are now crossing international borders
12. pride in the good parts of our history (they will not be taking any of the collective guilt for the bad parts)
13. 50% of the canada pension plan. 0% of the national debt.
14. the phrase ‘going for a rip, bud’
15. All the oil. Including Newfoundland’s
Image: Jusfiq
