TORONTO – Facing backlash for alleged abuse of the TFW program during record unemployment, coffee chain Tim Hortons has vowed to reduce foreign hiring just as soon as they find a legal means to treat Canadian employees like human chattel.
“Tim Hortons is an iconic Canadian brand, whether our employees come from Sudbury, Chilliwack, or Mumbai and sleep 12 to a single room which a Tims franchise owner also rents to them,” explains Tim Hortons spokesperson Marcia Kellerman. “While we may have used the Temporary Foreign Worker program to do a tiny bit too much of our hiring, or all of our hiring, we’ve listened to Canadians’ complaints and our response is clear – we still want your money.”
Tim Hortons has assured Canadians that they will ease up their hiring of Temporary Foreign Workers, provided the Carney Government amends labour law to allow them to bully Canadians, threaten to report them to Immigration officials, or force them to work 60 hours without overtime pay.
“We’ve learned a lot of best practices from the tens of thousands of desperate TFWs we’ve brought to Canada to exploit for sub-minimum wage labour,” notes Kellerman, “and we as a company cannot wait to apply those draconian corporate strategies onto the millions of Canadians who currently cannot find work in this economy.”
The Temporary Foreign Worker Program, created under Stephen Harper and massively expanded under Justin Trudeau, allows Canadian employers to hire foreign workers to fill temporary jobs when qualified Canadians are not available, or if they are available, or if it would make employers a bunch of money.
“Could we have been hiring Canadians this entire time? Obviously,” notes Kellerman. “But then Tim Hortons wouldn’t have been able to take all the money we saved by treating TFWs as subhuman and then pumped those savings back into developing increasingly-inedible snack foods for Canadians to grudgingly ingest on long car trips when nothing better is available.”
“Care to try Tims’ New Flatboard Pizza?” Kellerman adds. “Made with real Saskatchewan cardboard!”
At press time, Tim Hortons had renewed its commitment to hiring Canadians for dogshit wages, at least until they develop an AI that can burn coffee.
