WASHINGTON, DC – Following criticism that he has reneged on his promise to end “a whole civilization,” as detailed in one of his many irate posts about the Iran war, US President Donald Trump has taken to social media to clarify that the post has been taken out of context and that America itself was the civilization that he planned to destroy.
“There are a lot of left-wing losers out there who are always trying to twist my words and make me look insane. I never said the civilization that would be destroyed by the mighty America wouldn’t be woke-ass America,” The President wrote in a post on his Truth social media platform.
“Why would they think I meant to threaten 2600 years of Iranian civilization, which would take a lot of effort and I would need Congress to sign off on, when I can take the easy win and destroy 250 years of American civilization instead? I am not an international war criminal! I am an all-American felon! Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
While many feel that Trump’s explanation makes his previous statements even more terrifying, some have noted that it would line up with the current administration’s goals. The destruction of the United States would reduce illegal immigration by 100%, help smooth over relations with Russia, and be the only thing that would keep Trump out of prison.
When questioned, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth denied ever believing that the president was threatening Iran, and claims the US military has had a plan to turn America into a pile of ash if the Strait of Hormuz was not opened.
“Yeah, we’re totally prepared for victory against America! We’re going to hit their underfunded schools and hospitals, post a bunch of stuff online to turn the world against them, and get a bunch of their generals fired for not being white guys. Those dumb Americans and their army of posers won’t know what hit them!”
“It won’t be long until Old Glory is flying over the White House and they’re begging to join the United States. Assuming we leave it standing.”
At press time, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has applied a similar tactic by asking how Iran is sure they aren’t the ones who bombed Lebanon.
