NORTH SEA – Following a dispute at the 2026 Winter Olympics in which the Swedish team accused Canadian players of cheating, Prime Minister Mark Carney has mobilized the whole of the Canadian military to attack Sweden, invoking NATO’s collective defence article.
“This impugning of Canada’s honour by suggesting that we ‘double touched’ the stone is outrageous, and will be received as an attack by Sweden on our national sovereignty,” thundered PM Carney as he addressed the nation’s armed forces.
“I know I’ve been trying to build trade alliances with middle powers across the globe, but this is more important,” Carney shouted, as Canadian onlookers attempted to life heavy curling stones in support. “We Canadians take curling weirdly seriously, and even though Marc Kennedy almost certainly did ‘boop’ that stone, we demand retribution!”
The 32 member allied members of NATO, including the United States, France, and Germany, must now decide whether to back Canada’s assault over a game that less than 1% of the world’s population even understands, let alone watches.
“Wait, they understand that Sweden is also a NATO country, right?” inquired Prime Minister of Spain, Pedro Sánchez, as his top generals presented battle plans for the potential next world war.
Reached for comment, Swedish Prime Minister Ulf Kristersson has mobilized his country’s military, declaring “Den stenen blev dubbelberörd, och vi ses i helvetet!” which roughly translates to “That stone was double touched, and I’ll see you in hell!”
In a related story, US President Donald Trump has expressed surprise that the most contentious geopolitical conflict on the planet was not started by him.
