ROGERS CENTRE BROADCAST BOOTH – After spending over four decades with the Blue Jays as a player, manager, and announcer, Buck Martinez announced this morning that he would officially be getting up, getting out of here, and gone, into a well-deserved retirement.
“After being the beloved voice of the Blue Jays for almost 40 years, I have decided to put down the microphone to spend more time calling baseball players ‘baseball players’ from the comfort of my own home,” Martinez stated to the press, taking a second away from trying to learn once and for all how to say “Teoscar Hernández”.
“I’m looking forward to calling my own swing and a drive on the golf course,” Martinez added. “And while I might be gone from your radio, one thing for shhhuuurrrr is that I can’t wait to watch the games, and mispronounce Cam Shitler’s name, in front of my TV from now on.”
Fans and former colleagues have called for Martinez’ name to be added to the Rogers Centre Blue Jays Level of Excellence, since Edward Rogers shut down their initial request to “Paint his face on the outside of the roof so that Ohtani can see it every time he’s allegedly on a plane to Toronto.”
Martinez finished his press conference by assuring the heartbroken Blue Jays community that, despite his decision to retire, he will always hate Gary Sánchez.
“And because I won’t be in the booth to say it,” he drawled in a voice that inspired generations of fans to fall in love with baseball, “always remember: if you don’t believe in these Blue Jays, you are just not paying attention!”
At press time, Buck had commandeered the nearest microphone to reiterate, one last time, just how not good the Yankees are.
