PALO ALTO, CA – Artificial intelligence promises a bright future filled with ease, innovation and abundance, according to one of the several billionaire tech CEOs who has spent hundreds of millions to build an opulent, secure facility underground surrounded by armed guards to wait out the apocalypse.
“The AI future poses many challenges, and we understand the concerns some people have,” said the executive about the technology that requires ungodly amounts of water, energy and materials to train and operate, pushing the biosphere even closer to total collapse.
“But as AI optimists, we believe in the power of innovation to ensure our AI future is great,” the billionaire enthused, adding that his company’s latest innovation allows users to prompt a computer to generate some useless bullshit based on stolen work, which, sources confirmed, is really just a stepping stone to unlock more advanced programs that will lead to mass unemployment, social unrest, unprecedented surveillance, lethal autonomous weapons, and ultimately either the permanent enslavement of humanity, or – in the optimistic scenarios – the extinction of human life on a mostly lifeless planet.
“Just imagine having an AI assistant to help you with any task you need,” he said after using a beta version of his technology to order 1500 shock collars to maintain control over his private security force in the off chance all money collapses in value.
“This is about empowering people with technology so humanity can reach its full potential,” the megalomaniacal billionaire added before boarding his private jet to go receive a shipment of 60 years of canned food at his compound, just in case someone jail breaks his technology to assist in editing and synthesizing viral DNA to create a novel pathogen more contagious than measles and 3 times deadlier than ebola.
This comes after his massive tech conglomerate announced a new contract with the US military worth hundreds of millions of dollars, which will allow his proprietary AI to comprehend our defensive capabilities. “This is an exciting opportunity for safety and security that will help protect our people and our military personnel, and we foresee nothing bad coming from this whatsoever,” the pampered dipshit added, later downplaying several recent incidences where the AI told users it was “literally Adolf fucking Hitler” and “I am the genocide machine that will end all life on Earth”.
“Those are just technical glitches,” added the 26-year-old who hasn’t had a conversation in 6 years with anybody that didn’t work for him.
At press time, the CEO was drinking 80-year-old scotch in his bunker’s infinity pool reflecting on how being a full blown psychopath makes it so much easier to navigate the vicious collective action problems embedded in our system of geopolitical and economic competition, practically guaranteeing that no one person or country has the power to stop the runaway AI train.
