NEW YORK – Jewish students who chained themselves to the gates of Columbia University have been arrested by ICE and deported for being anti-Semitic terrorists.
As the protesting students were thrown into unmarked vans, blindfolded, then placed onto waiting airplanes, Columbia president, Claire Shipman addressed reporters regarding rhe freedoms Columbia students enjoy.
“We at Columbia are committed to protecting our Jewish students,” said Shipman, “especially from themselves. It’s almost as important to us as protecting $400 million in federal funding.”
President Shipman continued: “If my time as a journalist covering Tiananmen Square taught me anything, it’s that students should never protest, and if they do they will disappear.”
The Columbia administration has taken a firm line on acts of anti-Semitism that range from criticizing Israel to failing to say something nice about Israel.
“Identifying anti-Semitism is simple,” said one university official. “WWNND – What would Netanyahu not do? Disagreeing with President Netanyahu is by definition anti-Semitic – just as disagreeing with President Trump is anti-American. It’s like that old saying for all democratically elected leaders: L’etat, c’est moi.”
“Ultimately, we want our Jewish students to feel safe to walk the Columbia campus. And that means keeping their heads down, not discussing politics, and definitely not asking questions about friends who have disappeared.”
At press time the deported Jewish students had been taken to an unnamed authoritarian state engaged in a perpetual war to prop up a corrupt government.
